I Have Never
by alirodina
Summary: The Marauders play a game. A bit rated for language and suggestion. Written purely for fun. SBRL, MWPP era and just a one shot. Harry Potter and all related characters is to J.K. Rowling and associates.


"I have never," James paused dramatically, rolling his eyes at the three faces looking intently at him. "Screamed in terror after one of the ghosts passed through me."

Sirius's hand twitched on his shot glass. "It wasn't terror," he said. "I hate how they feel, is all."

"Still screamed, though, didn't you?" said Remus. "Down with it, Padfoot."

"Just because you'd had three already," said Sirius, frowning.

"Inconclusive."

Sirius sighed, raising the small glass and quickly downing the murky liquid in it. Tentacles began sprouting from his head several seconds after, waving about sluggishly and framing his face in a pink marine equivalent of dreadlocks. "Aw, bugger."

"Better than essence of gillyweed," said Peter, who still had his head immersed in a water-filled shoe that Remus had kindly transfigured into a fish bowl for him. His words bubbled in front of his face, which probably tickled horribly, but at least he wasn't flopping all over the room gasping for breath anymore. "All right, my turn. I have never—"

"Here we go," said James, laughing. It was true that James and Sirius seem to have done a whole lot more than either Remus or Peter in their short, adolescent lives. The thing of the moment being to remember what it was that they have done, which, considering Peter's state and the ridiculous itching that started after Remus' feathers began to molt, was a harder task than anyone would think.

"Gotten kissed by Lily Evans."

Nobody moved to pick up one of the glasses on the table, but Remus noted James' narrowed eyes and the knowing grins that Sirius and Peter exchanged. This, Remus realized, was going nowhere good.

"Next?" said James.

Remus thought for a moment, scratching at his stomach absently. "I have never, er—been given an E for Potions."

James and Sirius groaned almost simultaneously, then drank.

"Are those little cherub wings, Prongs?" said Sirius, with a snort.

"And is that a pig snout, Padfoot?"

"All right, all right. My turn." Sirius waved a glass over his head, splashing a bit on the tentacles and making them shoot out ink in retaliation.

"Calm down, Black," said James. "I think you just stained my little wings."

"I have never," said Sirius, ignoring James. "Kissed Lily Evans."

"Haven't we covered that before?" said Remus.

"Grammatical construction, pet. Getting a kiss is not the same as kissing someone."

Remus shrugged, turning to look at James. He did not like where this was going. Not at all.

James made a face, then drank.

Several moments later, Remus found himself facing Severus Snape.

"I can't believe you used the last of that Polyjuice Potion for this," said James' voice, from Snape's thin lips.

"Still more where that came from," said Remus, waving a hand over the full glasses on the table. "There's Filch there somewhere."

"Randy old goat," said Sirius. "How come you never told us about you and Evans?"

James didn't answer. "My turn."

"Come on, James, no secrets between the Marauders, right?" said Peter.

"Right. Right. Shall I tell Remus who ate his share of pudding last night then?" When Peter let out a particularly large bubble, James went on, "I have never kissed Remus Lupin."

Remus looked down at his scaly dragon feet. Of course it was going nowhere good. The moment someone mentioned kisses he knew it was going to go back to that time they all got incredibly pissed after Gryffindor won the Quidditch cup and Sirius somehow ended up naked in Remus' bed.

Until now Remus could only remember vague bits of what happened that night, although judging from how he shut his mouth whenever the subject comes up, Sirius had been one step ahead of Remus in the ladder of soberness and probably (cringe-inducingly) knew more than he was telling.

Sirius held up a glass (Oh, no, thought Remus, please tell me this is a fluke.) and drank.

"Thought I didn't know, did you?" said James.

Peter looked like Dumbledore had just announced that exams were cancelled that year.

"Me next," he bubbled.

"No," said Remus.

"Yes," said Peter, happily. "I have never shagged Remus Lupin."

Remus raised his hands. "Wait. Can I dig myself a hole and die right now?"

"You don't know if I'm going to drink or not," said Sirius, quite calmly for someone who'd just been caught at snogging a bloke (a Remus-bloke, on top of that), even if the snogging had happened a year ago and both of them could finally look at each other in the eyes without turning a wonderful shade of tomato.

"Are you?" said James, cheerfully. His wings began to twitch excitedly. "Grotty!"

"I think," Remus began. "I heard Peter say distinctly that he had never been kissed by Remus Lupin."

"I didn't!"

"Oh, yes you did, Peter. The prefect badge says you did."

"Well, then," said Peter. "I guess I did, then."

"Bugger the prefect badge," he said, turning away and splashing water on the carpet.

Sirius drank.

"You're a bloody glutton for punishment, aren't you?" said Remus, pleasantly, watching as Sirius slowly turned a bright shade of blue, which looked terrible with the tentacles.

"_This_ isn't my fault," Sirius pointed out. "Sometimes, Moony, you just leap. No thinking, no analysing. You just do something."

"Thank you for those hedonistic words of wisdom."

"Your turn, Moony," James cut in.

"I," said Remus, "have never leapt before looking."

"I think this is a declaration of war," said Peter, _sotto voce_, to James.

"And a lot have you missed," said Sirius.

"At least I've never had to walk down the corridors stark naked."

"Don't tell me you didn't enjoy the view."

"Pale sticks and a shock of hair, Padfoot, do not constitute a _view_."

James stood up, flicking imaginary dust from his wings. "I think Sirius' retort would be too much for our virgin ears, Peter. How about we raid the kitchen for some juice?"


End file.
